Friday, February 25, 2011

Hard week!

So yes, I was admitted last Monday to start the evil treatment.  The port was placed under total anesthesia at my request, and might I recommend that to anyone ever having to do that. It might be a little more incovenient for them, but what the hell do you want to remember ANY of that for??  Chemo bag #1 placed around 9 pm, but ran an extra 4 hours (28 hours total, but should only run 24) due to a bad pump. 2nd chemo is done by a push injection and those 3 were done Mon, Tues & Wed nights. So *hopefully* all done with that particular one completely. (there's a chance it could have to happen again, but let's not get there now)
So I am on bag #4 of the continuous chemo and that'll run til like 3/4 am. (nice timing for the changing of all this- it's kind of a ruckus in the middle of the night). No rest in the hospital!
I do, apparently, have the best room in the house- lots of light, big window, and a big room and no roommate, due to the possible infection situation of course. Showering is the hugest pain in the ass, even though they unhook me, it's like being under a watering can. Takes forever and I get cold.
Emotions run up and down each day, with worries about if this will work, if it becomes a transplant situation, and a lot about how people will treat me, and how I will feel about myself and my world once this moves along (hopefully in a success). It's so life altering, that my old life and ways of looking at my days are gone, and I want no part of them anymore. You would think I would be grateful to live or see my son grow up or even get more time, but I have none of those thoughts. Much of what I feel is wanting to escape my previous life and move on from everybody and everything that used to be.
But it's a long road ahead, and I'm sure there is time to work through all this somehow. I imagine there will be a therapist in my future!!

7 comments:

  1. YOU are NOT this disease. YOU are YOU and always will be! this is just a temporary pain in the ass... like me (but I'm not temporary - you're stuck with me FOREVA!!!!)

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  2. yeah, yeah, just get yer ass here and hold my hand already!!

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  3. I'm late, but I'm here, hopefully- that is- if the google log-in doesn't give anymore grief. Oh, Seven, I wish with all of my heart that you could feel my hands in yours. I've thought and prayed and cried and yelled... wanting/demanding you get all strong again... I am there, with you, in the air- in the atmosphere- right there in my spirit with you, my dearest, and, not this site or any site, for that matter, is gonna' stop my reaching out. Fill up (the best you can manage) on all of your body's needs to get strong again, k, Seven?

    Well... still having problems with the google thing. It wants me to type in my password________________________ which I have *somewhere* and have spent some time looking for it's illusive self. My desk looks quite a bit cleaner, but no password. LOL!! Sheesh, it doesn't matter. What matters is YOU, my beautiful & I have changed the password. Yeah!! Finally, figured out how to 'do' that... it's something I can't/won't 4get anytime soon either. Alright... take extra care now, my dearest. ::hugs & kisses::

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  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

    When you try your best, but you don't succeed
    When you get what you want, but not what you need
    When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
    Stuck in reverse

    And the tears come streaming down your face
    When you lose something you can't replace
    When you love someone, but it goes to waste
    Could it be worse?

    Lights will guide you home
    And ignite your bones
    And I will try to fix you

    And high up above or down below
    When you're too in love to let it go
    But if you never try you'll never know
    Just what you're worth

    Lights will guide you home
    And ignite your bones
    And I will try to fix you

    Tears stream down on your face
    When you lose something you cannot replace
    Tears stream down on your face
    And I...

    Tears stream down on your face
    I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
    Tears stream down on your face
    And I...

    Lights will guide you home
    And ignite your bones
    And I will try to fix you

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  5. Thinking of you and sending extra sunshine and light your way! xo, ~~ Barbara

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